Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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