I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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