Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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