Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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