My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
