My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
