I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
