I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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