i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
