I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
