I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
