Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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