dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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