I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
