I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
