Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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