I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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