Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
