What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
