If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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