Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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