oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
