You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
