Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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