you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
