I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
