Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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