you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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