Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
