I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
