They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
