dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
