Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
