They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
