"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
