Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i will never coherently bang her
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
