i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
