Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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