Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
