i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
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