Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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