woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
