I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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