Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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