Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
