it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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