I think my vagina is haunted
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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