I will die if light touches me.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
