textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
