I am spending my child support on dildos
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
