If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
